Love + Anxiety

My violent heartbeat shakes me to the core

Why do I feel like you’re not who you were before ?

My body shakes uncontrollably

My eyes water

You said it’s cool

It’s not

It’s hot

I’m hurt

You’re not ready ?

I am patient, so patient

I’ll wait

I’ll hold your pinkie, not your hand

Unless you want me to

Why am I so disposable to you ?

You don’t know a diamond when you see it ?

Conflict free, pressed to near perfection

My flaws make me tolerable

Impeccability is sickening.

Possessions make us weak

Everything I want from you is intangible

You tease me with it to get what you need

I know you do and I still oblige

I yearn for more but I’ll never demand it

Out of fear I’ll push you away

But you disappeared on your own accord

I’m never good enough

And I know this

But I’m so good, so so good

You tell me

They tell me

I’ve always been told I’m the best

At everything

Everything

I can’t understand it

You all tell me I deserve the world

Incessantly

You’re the world

Why the disconnect ?

What should I expect ?

I pray I see your name in my notifications

I’m prepared not to

My tattoo says Savor The Journey

Because the destination is sometimes hell

Most times hell

But the path there is so meaningful, soulful, beautiful

Im willing

Im begging

I never beg

I don’t apologize

I don’t care

I cut ties

I hold funerals in my mind often

For the people dead to me

Over minor mishaps

But I need you

So I forgive you silently

I give you passes I never knew existed in me

You’re so perfect, imperfectly

You irk me

But it’s worth it

We’re low level

I accept that

My body accepts it

My body welcomes you so easily

That’s new to me

It has a mind of its own

A mind you injected into me

So good

You’re so, so good

I’m willing to settle for crumbs from a king

Versus lamb from a peasant

My cadence is inconsistent like the affection you show me

The ideas are scattered like the pieces of my heart that flaked off today

I’m rambling again

I’m manic again

I haven’t slept in two days

Do I make bad decisions ?

Are you one of them ?

This is a poem

It doesn’t rhyme this time

The pen didn’t glide this time

Did I hurt you ?

I never wanted to

This isn’t personal

And I know it

You’re occupied

You confuse me

Maybe you’re confused

The Third – Series Part 12

I get my best from you and my worst from you 

We were all given the short end of the stick

It’s generational

You passed that stick to me even shorter

Because I was born wrong 

Wrong gender

Wrong timing 

Wrong name 

Inconvenient 

You even realized you had me with the wrong person 

You let us know at every turn 

That we ain’t good enough 

Maybe that’s where I learned to strive for men who are unavailable 

Maybe I have daddy issues even tho my daddy was there the whole time 

I never told you this but

I’m not even mad at what you did to me

I was scared

Who’s ever seen such a tiny body hurt so badly ?

What if I didn’t make it

You taught me mental illness even though I couldn’t understand it yet 

You taught me what it means to be black in America 

You taught me capitalism at its finest 

You taught me how to point out flawed systems

Spoiler alert: it’s all of them 

You taught me what value is 

You also taught me paranoia 

You taught me how to endure abuse and still smile 

You taught me that God will ignore my prayers 

You taught me that I’m not worth time, only expensive things 

You taught me oxymorons 

Did you know I find myself going for broke boys because money ain’t never did shit for me ? 

Not really.

It only taught me what’s real and what isn’t. 

Money doesn’t fix the emotional scars from a Tasmanian like ass whoopin 

Money doesn’t stop alcoholism that leads to violence and makes me run like a chicken with its head cut off to hide all the weapons I could find before tucking myself quietly in a cabinet.

Money doesn’t cure cptsd

Money didn’t stop your son from…

Maybe I’ve said too much

Maybe I’m a little angry 

  • Not Jesse Jr

Heartbreak Ramble

I still look at your page, like all day

I read every post and take it the wrong way

I guess I’m a glutton for pain

I guess I want depression again

My feelings for you are so alarming

Because I know you don’t want me darling

I know you just used me babe

But I can’t face it unless you say it

I want the truth and nothing less

Can’t help but cry, I’m a mess

Yes, I’m upset

Skrrt, BOOM. I’m a wreck

I saw a future with you in it

I jumped the gun, infinite

Bad habit of seeing the best in the worst

Bad habit of letting my feelings get hurt

Then going to work

And being a jerk

Because I can’t clean my own dirt

I can’t do this

And I knew this

But you caught me off guard

Now I have to go through this

I’m useless

I’ll prove it

I’ll sulk and I’ll pout

Smoke and drink it out

Cut it out

Scream it out

I can’t cut you out

What Imma do without

That feeling

No drug ever got me so high

Fake affection never felt so full

I was writing love songs until my pencil got dull

Why do I do this to myself

You think I give advice for my health ?

I don’t follow it

I palm a pill and I swallow it

I wanna die and I wallow in it

I’m supposed to be stronger than this

Smarter than this

Accidentally turned into the dumbest bitch

I done did it again

Sabotaging my own win

Oops, my bad

It’s my own fault I’m mad

I know I’d welcome you right back

Into my heart and my sack

Do as you please

I feel sick when you leave

Then I still tease

Because I too have needs

I need touch

I’m doing too much

I need validation

I need a vacation

My minds always racin’

I need a break

So whatever you want, take

I let my mind slip into ecstasy with you

I felt sexy with you

Now what the fuck do I do

I’m confused

I’m disgusted

In you I trusted

You fucked that up

That’s my fault though

You didn’t know you were gonna make me glow

You probably thought I was just another hoe

I don’t know

I was too scared to ask

I didn’t wanna ruin anything, push you away

It’s my own fault I’m not okay.

Conclusions x Just Call Me Joa

Bitter. 
Mad at me. 
Mad at my nigga.
It’s just too much. EYE don’t want to do the work.
Still haunted by all those words you spoke.
I figured it out, my heart’s condition is poor
It’s so much fuckin work and I simply don’t want to do it anymore
“Finally, Jesus.” are the words that left your lips over a game, 
while I’m still mentally placating the blame.
Same words that I heard after coming to this very conclusion. 
&Although I already knew it, I chose delusion. 
Understanding that I was young
Doesn’t negate feeling dumb –
Or numb….
To your progressive efforts 
Tainted with fear and anxiety like a broken record.
I’m damaged goods now. Wow.?
I feel cold sad confused and still much very bruised. 
How did I enter such state of feeling so used? 
I really want it to work out but I’m just so fuckin burnt out. 
Exhausted, tired
– with not enough love to tip it this time.
Bc Even in my sleep, it occupies my mind. 
Wondering if it were so easy, why’d it take so long?
Was I not important enough to hear all along?
Reflecting on the years I thought I was wrong. 
Only to be right-
About the fights, mean things and ugly scenes.
The source of it all, Manny
Nigga ruined yet another family.
I need some therapy, to get it up off of me. 
Bc I want to forgive, give grace but IDK how to
Guess I’ll just power through
Like I been doin – 
Conclusions…….

🖤

Learn more about the author, Joa, here.