Love + Anxiety

My violent heartbeat shakes me to the core

Why do I feel like you’re not who you were before ?

My body shakes uncontrollably

My eyes water

You said it’s cool

It’s not

It’s hot

I’m hurt

You’re not ready ?

I am patient, so patient

I’ll wait

I’ll hold your pinkie, not your hand

Unless you want me to

Why am I so disposable to you ?

You don’t know a diamond when you see it ?

Conflict free, pressed to near perfection

My flaws make me tolerable

Impeccability is sickening.

Possessions make us weak

Everything I want from you is intangible

You tease me with it to get what you need

I know you do and I still oblige

I yearn for more but I’ll never demand it

Out of fear I’ll push you away

But you disappeared on your own accord

I’m never good enough

And I know this

But I’m so good, so so good

You tell me

They tell me

I’ve always been told I’m the best

At everything

Everything

I can’t understand it

You all tell me I deserve the world

Incessantly

You’re the world

Why the disconnect ?

What should I expect ?

I pray I see your name in my notifications

I’m prepared not to

My tattoo says Savor The Journey

Because the destination is sometimes hell

Most times hell

But the path there is so meaningful, soulful, beautiful

Im willing

Im begging

I never beg

I don’t apologize

I don’t care

I cut ties

I hold funerals in my mind often

For the people dead to me

Over minor mishaps

But I need you

So I forgive you silently

I give you passes I never knew existed in me

You’re so perfect, imperfectly

You irk me

But it’s worth it

We’re low level

I accept that

My body accepts it

My body welcomes you so easily

That’s new to me

It has a mind of its own

A mind you injected into me

So good

You’re so, so good

I’m willing to settle for crumbs from a king

Versus lamb from a peasant

My cadence is inconsistent like the affection you show me

The ideas are scattered like the pieces of my heart that flaked off today

I’m rambling again

I’m manic again

I haven’t slept in two days

Do I make bad decisions ?

Are you one of them ?

This is a poem

It doesn’t rhyme this time

The pen didn’t glide this time

Did I hurt you ?

I never wanted to

This isn’t personal

And I know it

You’re occupied

You confuse me

Maybe you’re confused

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